Monday, October 12, 2009
Here are 12 tips on dating safety to help you get started:
1. Arrange to meet him.
When meeting for the first time, never allow your date to pick you up from your home. In fact, your date shouldn't even know your home address yet!
2. Meet in public places.
For a first meeting, always meet in a public place where other people are in close proximity. You may also want to consider going out with a group of people, or a double date.
3. Go dutch by paying half of the bill.
It's always respectful for the man to offer to pay the bill. Unfortunately, some men ruin the gesture by expecting something in return. Therefore it may not be a bad idea for you to go dutch. Pay half the bill so that you won't feel under any obligation to "return" the favor.
4. Remember that alcohol affects your judgment.
The biggest threat to a person's judgment, when on a date, is alcohol. Not only does it affect your judgment, but alcohol also lessens your inhibitions. If you are drinking, keep your drink in sight at all times and don’t get so drunk that you don’t know what you are doing. Better yet, try to avoid alcohol on your first date.
5. Use your own mode of transportation.
Provide your own transportation to your public meeting place and make sure you have more than enough gas.
6. Don't assume that a man is safe.
It's important never to let your guard down when on a first date. Never assume a man is safe just because he claims to be religious or a gentleman.
7. Don’t let him know where you live.
If you want to see him again, arrange a second date and then take it from there.
8. Avoid secluded areas.
Remember - stay in a public place for your first date and avoid secluded areas such as parks.
9. Listen to your gut.
If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. And if you haven’t met him before, and you know at the beginning of the date that something doesn’t feel right, then leave immediately.
10. Always let someone else know where you're going. Be sure someone knows where you are going and who you'll be with. You might even consider arranging a time to call and check in. Or you could arrange to meet up with friends later that night.
11. Give him your cell phone number.
It's safer to give out a cell phone number instead of your home phone number (click here for why).
12. Always remain alert.
Even if you’re having a blast and the chemistry is great, it’s a good idea to remain alert the whole evening. Make sure you have a cell phone on you.
Dating safely is very important. In the initial stages of dating and online dating, you are still getting to know someone you know very little about. By creating a safe environment to know the person, you’re creating a better situation for yourself.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Break ups suck, no matter whether you're the one being broken up with, or the one doing the breaking up. Its going to hurt no matter what happens, and thus, some coping skills are needed.
Over the years, surely you've found some things that have helped you move on and get over someone. I know that for me, the worst break ups have also been the times in my life where I've grown the most, and been the busiest - more out of necessity than anything.
How about you? How have you coped with a bad break up? A new feature still in its testing phase is being tried out on this site, which allows readers like you to share a story about how they overcame or did something that is dating related.
I've been told on more than a few occasions that Halloween is the best time of year to meet someone. Why? Because everyone in a costume has a built in conversation starter.
So then why not use this same idea and integrate it into our everyday lives? The concept is an integral one to the pickup artist culture (although they call it pea-cocking), where the person trying to attract someone wears or has on at least one conversation piece.
Which isn’t to say i think you should go all out and become something you aren’t? But at the same time, if you can inject some of the fun and frivolity of Halloween into your day to day life, and it allows you to meet someone truly special, why wouldn't you try it and see?
Have you ever used a prop to attract someone? Did it work? Why or why not?
Confused City Girl asks, "I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months now whom I met from a Craiglist ad that I had posted stating that I was looking for an awesome boyfriend. This guy replies with an awesome e-mail and was very cute too so I make plans to go out on a date with him. We clicked immediately and have been seeing each other since then. We have been to concerts together, spent many nights together, planned a vacation next month, I have even met his family and they love me.
A while ago I noticed that his Facbook and MySpace claim he is still single. I didn't let it bother me too much but I did feel a bit hurt. Recently I have noticed that his text messages are less frequent and much less romantic than they had been. He has also been claiming to need a lot of alone time because he has only been out a long term relationship a few months longer than knowing me.
Last weekend I was at his apartment like normal and went on his computer which is also normal. I noticed in his browser that there was a new saved link that was for OKCupid and I decided to click on it. Well, it automatically signed me into his account that was full of new pictures and a ton of e-mails back and forth with numerous women. He has corresponded with well over 50 women since meeting me. He also sent out an e-mail saying he was looking for a woman to wine and dine and possibly pleasure while he was away on business. He has recently met women for drinks and has told me nothing of it and also told me many of nights we aren't together that he is just hanging out at home or playing music (he is in a band) and so forth.
I was very upset and devastated, so I called him on the phone and tell him to come home if he can and he does. He tells me that he just wants to make sure that I am the right one for him and that he does not have the same feelings for any of these women like he does for me. He says he had planned on dating a lot of different women before he met me. He says that he probably loves me and definitely adores me and that he is almost ready to just be with me. He does not feel like he did anything wrong because he never specifically told me that he was not dating other people. I will admit that I assumed that he wasn't because he seems so into me.
My question is this: do you think he just wants his cake and to eat it too or do you really think he just wants to date around to make sure he is doing the right thing with me? Do you think will stop this seemingly obsessive online dating when/if he does decide to just be with me? I am so very confused and very hurt and just wanting advice. I am very much in love with this guy and had planned a ton of nice things for his upcoming birthday as well as the vacation we are supposed to go on next month."
Desiree, I feel your pain, and so, my answer will be quick and to the point: if he's not exclusively dating you and can't agree to it now, then its time for you to take a huge step back. Sure, you didn't have the exclusivity talk, but you both can take responsibility for that one. He didn't tell and you didn't ask. But if he's not willing to be your boyfriend (and it sounds like that's the only acceptable situation for you - nothing wrong with that), then don't let him be and don't treat him like one anymore. Cancel your vacation together and any other big plans, and then let him know that if or when he's ready to start being exclusive with you, you can talk more. Until then, stay busy, lean heavily on your friends, and let him explore his harem solo.
Julian asks: "I have been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now, and since the beginning we have been having sex. All of a sudden though, she tells me that she does not want to "disrespect" her body and that she does not want us having sex anymore. I feel like she should not have made such a big decision that affects both of us without even talking to me about it beforehand. I love her very much and to me the sex was a way of showing that love. It seems to me that if a relationship was sexually active, and that factor is suddenly taken away, the relationship can't be expected to be the same. Any advice?"
I agree that your relationship with your girlfriend cannot be the same as it was before, as what sounds like a big part of the way the two of you share your affection was through sexual intercourse has now been removed from the equation. However, I think that having sex or not having sex isn't the question.
Yes, it would have been much easier and kinder if your girlfriend to have talked to you about what was going through her mind before she made a decision. When you enter into a relationship with someone, part of that process is agreeing that any major decisions that affect the both of you are discussed, first. Someone gets offered their dream job 400 miles away, an ex invites you to their wedding, or who to spend the holidays with are all conversations better had, together, before a decision has been made.
Sex however is a tricky one, because for many people it is very difficult to talk to their partner about their needs and wants. Using the word "disrespect" tells me that your girlfriend has been struggling with this for some time and needs you to understand her dilemma. It wasn't easy for her I'm sure to tell you about her decision, but I'll hazard a guess that it had very little to do with you. Rather, some outside force is "telling" her that sex is shameful, bad or not to be shared with someone she isn't married to. Problem is, it doesn't sound like you know which category her decision falls into.
Ask her why she feels sex is disrespectful to her body, and try to really listen to what she's saying. I know its difficult to hear from the person you love that they want to stop an important aspect of your relationship, but if you want to make things work with this woman, you are going to have to bite your tongue (and pride) and find out the reasons why she feels this way. When did this become a problem, and why? What is she hoping to gain from not having sex with you anymore? Is all affection off limits (kissing, touching, hand holding), or just sex itself? Has she talked to a mental health professional, medical expert, sex therapist or someone in her religion and/or family about her decision?
Once you have a better idea as to what the reasoning is behind her decision, you can sit down together and talk about how a sexless relationship will affect the both of you, and whether or not it is something you can go back to. I know of women who have stopped having sex with their partners to prompt a marriage proposal, others who have found a religious calling, and yet others who were feeling depressed and didn't find sex at all satisfying anymore. Whatever her reason, you'll have to weigh your feelings on the matter, see if the two of you can come to a compromise (or at the very least get some professional help on the matter), and if not, determine whether or not your relationship can evolve into something new or if it is time for the two of you to part ways.
Monday, October 5, 2009
How to secure your dating online.
Online dating can be fun and enjoyable, but there are some guidelines you should follow to stay safe:
There’s never any need to give out your personal details – your real name, address, email address or phone number, pager address, or videophone address– in public areas like your online dating profile. Once you have a one to one relationship with someone via email, use your instincts to decide if you should give more contact information to that person. Don’t give any other information until after you’ve met and have become friends offline.
Use your Instincts
If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. You would notice if your boyfriend or girlfriend was acting strangely. Pay attention to habits and moods of online friends as well: are they changing? If something doesn't feel right, it’s OK to end your contact with someone.
Stay in Your Comfort Zone
Don’t let the other person push you to phone or meet if you’re not ready. If they’re eventually going to make a good partner, they’ll understand and wait. If someone asks for your phone number, pager address, or videophone address, politely refuse. If you think you might eventually want to contact them, ask for their email address and use it when you’re ready
Are there inconsistencies in what someone tells you? Are they an accountant one day but can’t add 2+2 the next? When you talk with them, pay attention to inconsistancies that you notice. Trust your gut if something feels odd. If you use the telephone to contact them you can use the relay operator's description of background noises. Do they match what you know about the person?
When you’ve decided to meet, tell someone close to you exactly where you’ll be and when. Bring your mobile phone or pager with emergency contacts stored in it. You’re not likely to need them, but it’s better to play it safe! If you have a phone or pager with a camera, take a photo of you and the date together and send to a friend for safety reasons.
Use your Head
You may have been dating online for weeks, but it doesn’t mean that you actually know your date. Always use common sense and good judgement.
Use your own transportation. If things don’t go well, you can leave whenever you want. And even if things do go well, you’ll still want to have your own transportation. Bring your car, enough money for cab fare or arrange for a friend to pick you up when you contact him/her.
Meet in Public
Go somewhere familiar where there will be lots of other people around. If you’re nervous, double date with friends to take some of the pressure off. Don’t meet anywhere isolated, unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
You’ll probably be nervous before a first date. Though a few drinks could help loosen you up, don’t overdo it. You’ll need to have a clear head if things don't go to plan. And being a drunken mess is not a great way to impress a new boyfriend or girlfriend.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Dating is a form of courtship, and may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two people with the aim of each assessing the others suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity. Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal.
In many cultural traditions, a date may be arranged by a third party, who may be a family member, acquaintance, or professional matchmaker. Recently internet dating has become popular.
Although dating etiquette has become more relaxed during the twentieth century, there are considerable differences between social and personal values. For example, when an activity costs money (for example, a meal), traditionally the man was expected to pay; but in recent times the practice of "going Dutch" (splitting the expenses) has become more common and more acceptable.The average duration of courtship before proceeding to engagement or marriage varies considerably throughout the world.
TIPS FOR MEN
I read lots of posts on other websites asking ridiculous questions such as “How do I know if she likes me?” or “Should I ask her out?” Here’s the answer, JUST ASK HER! Thinking about and analyzing specific women is a waste of time. If you're interested in a woman just walk over and ask her out on a date. It's that simple. Take action now!
Walk up to her and say "Hey, let's go have some fun sometime, what's your phone number?" If she hesitates, move on to the next woman. It's that simple. Don't think about it, don't worry about it, don't analyze it, just do it.
Constantly mulling garbage around in your head like "Well she did this and said that so it must mean she likes me... but then yesterday she looked at me funny and then said this so I dunno..." Just stop this nonsense. Everyone does it from time to time. Just stop. Stop and act NOW. When you find yourself rationalizing approaching a woman or worrying about whether she likes you, just stop it. Approach her and find out!
You spot a woman that you're interested in. If you've met her before then great, it'll be easier for you to approach. If it's a complete stranger, even better because then you don't have to worry about ever seeing her again.
I know what you're thinking. "I'm scared!"
Yeah, I know that. Even now after years of experience I occasionally feel a twinge of nervousness before an approach. I actually enjoy it now. It's a rush and it makes you feel alive. Even if I get shot down in the most miserable possible way I still enjoy the approach. It's exciting and afterwards no matter how it turned out I feel good about myself. Most men are unable to approach complete strangers and ask them out on a date. I do, and so can you.
People often make the approach appear to be much more difficult than it need be. I've read on other websites about how you need to say the right pickup line, have the right attitude, look a certain way, etc... You don't need a pickup line, in fact don't use them at all! All you need to do is approach a woman and give her the impression that you're a man. The mere fact that you've got the guts to approach will immediately start you off on the right foot with her.
Here's all you have to do. Walk up to her and say "Hi, my names 'whatever.'" Then engage her in suitable conversation for the environment you're in. If in a grocery store ask her about what she's purchasing. In a coffee shop ask her what drink she's holding. Anything will do. It's not so much what comes out of your mouth but the way you say it. Just open your mouth and talk.
Ideally you should appear confident, slightly cocky, and funny. But at first all that matters is that you approach. How you present yourself will improve your odds over time. At first just force yourself to approach no matter how badly you mess it up.
Lets say you walk up to this hottie that you thought was by herself. Right after you introduce yourself five of her hot friends rush up and join her surprising you. You totally lose your cool and act like a complete imbecile. You start sweating, your voice gets shaky, and you crash and burn miserably while they walk away from you laughing.
That's happened to me before and you know what? Afterwards I'm always glad that I made the approach. Sure it's embarrassing at the time but you learn something from every approach. Every single rejection you experience makes the next one sting a little less. Eventually you'll completely stop caring. That's when your game really improves because you can stop worrying about how embarrassed and awkward you feel and concentrate on what's important, what you say and how you present yourself.
There's another important reason to approach hot women even though you may crash and burn. If I experienced 100 approaches similar to the one described above, I would have some limited success even with my lousy performance. Perhaps 7 out of those 100 times they wouldn't walk away laughing and I'd have a phone number. No matter how badly you come off, sometimes just the fact that you are willing to act like a man and approach will impress the woman enough to get a date. Occasionally they'll think your awkwardness is cute.
Think of each rejection you experience as a gaining points. For every so many rejection points you'll earn a success. Because that's really how it works. You have to get through a certain amount of rejections before you're rewarded. Your success ratio will vary but with practice you can decrease the amount of rejections you receive substantially.
You've got her phone number. Congratulations! It feels good doesn't it? Now don't blow it by calling her the very next day! Or worse, by calling her the very same day. This is where lots of guys blow it. They get so excited that they call her immediately and then spend three hours on the phone with her spilling their entire life's story. By the time they meet she already knows everything about him. Not only that, he shows up with flowers, chocolates, etc.. and she knows she's already got him wrapped around her finger. He's no longer the mysterious gentleman that approached her out of the blue the other day. She knows everything about him including the fact that she's got his heart in her hands. What incentive does she have to continue to see him? The battles been lost before it has begun. This is the pathway to friendship hell.
The correct action to take after you've gotten her phone number is to lock it away for five days.
"Five days! I can't speak to for five days?!! I'll die!" you whine.
Yes five days.
Because you're a man. You're busy. You have places to go, people to meet, and most importantly, other women to date. A man never clears his schedule for one woman. Even if this isn't true in your case, make it true. Live like it's true and one day it will be. Most importantly, this is the perception you want to give the woman you're interested in. Remember, you are what people perceive you to be.
So wait five days and then ask her out. Keep the conversation short, preferably around five minutes, fifteen max. You want to remain the mysterious guy that asked her out. And for God's sake, have a plan! Never, and I mean never call her and ASK her what she wants to do! You're a man, you make the plans. You call her and tell her what they are. Don't come off as wishy-washy chump. Plan an action date, miniature golfing, hiking, rollerblading, pool, etc.. Ask her out and then get off the phone!
So how do you act on the date? Hopefully confident and funny. Make her laugh and have a good time. Your confidence will grow with experience. Don't worry if it feels like you're blowing the date. You're got to learn somehow.
You want to go on an action date so that you'll spend less time talking and more time doing things. Treat her like a dude at first. What do women do when they get together? They chat incessantly. What do guys do? We do things together! Treat her like a dude, have fun, tease her, make her laugh. Show her that you're exciting to be around. And most importantly, listen! If you haven't already, you need to read our article on listening. It's critical.
Talk as little as possible about yourself. Redirect the conversation back to her when necessary. When the subject turns to you just keep your mouth shut! Women love a mystery. "Who is this mysterious stranger that approached me out of the blue like Prince Charming?" she'll think to herself. They love that stuff. So give it to her. When she asks something specific about your life, give her as unrevealing an answer as possible and redirect back to her. Most women love to talk, let her yap.
When I say let her talk, I don't mean to agree with everything she says. Don't be afraid to disagree with her on subjects. Stand up to her and tease her regarding her point of view if you don't agree with it. Don't be mean spirited but show her that you're not afraid to stand up for your opinions. If you blindly agree with everything she says then she'll think you're a pushover and you've lost.
It's a date first and foremost so have fun. But if she spouts bull$%#t call her on it. Tease her about it. Keep the date light and fun. Don't talk about anything heavy or depressing. If the subject turns towards politics, religion, or anything serious, change the subject ASAP! It's a date, have fun.
End the date while you're both having a good time. Don't wait for it to drag on until she tells you that it's time for her to go home. End it while the night is young and she's enjoying your attention. Always leave her wanting more of you.
So you've finished the date and it was amazing! She's gorgeous, intelligent, and fun. It has only been one day but you simply must see her again. Maybe you should call her right now!
WRONG! Remember that you're a man, your life never revolves around a woman. You WILL wait five days before you call her again. Especially at the first, you do not want her to think that you're into her that much. You want to give off the impression that your feelings towards her are lukewarm and that she needs to convince you that she's worthy. During the first month of dating you should never see her more than once a week. Never call her more than once a week and keep the phone conversations short.
You do this because as I've said a million times, women love a mysterious man and hate a desperate chump. If you are at her beck and call whenever she wants you then she'll think you're a loser. You need to give her the impression that she must win you, not the other way around. You accomplish this by limiting your exposure to her. You take her out on short action dates, show her a good time, get her addicted to your energy, and then you leave her alone for a week. This is how infatuation develops in woman.
After a month or two once a physical relationship has developed, if you decide that you're really into this girl, then it's time to start opening up. This is the point at which jerks blow it. You may have noticed that up until this point I've basically encouraged "jerkish" behavior. No I don't mean that you should treat her poorly, but you've been mimicking what jerks do up until this point. You don't call them often, don't see them all the time, etc..
Jerks can get to this point but seldom cross the line into a meaningful relationship. Once a woman has shown you that she's worthy of your attention, has qualities you admire, and treats you with respect, THEN it's time to reward her. Then it's appropriate to give her flowers, gifts, etc. But give them SPARINGLY! I can't emphasize this enough. Give her gifts and praise all the time for no special reason and she'll think she has you wrapped around her finger. Use gifts and praise to reward good behavior. Give compliments but make them unique, genuine, and use them sparingly.
You start out by not giving her flowers, adoration, and seeing her only once a week. You want to be a challenge, not acting like the typical nice guy who throws himself at her. Once she lets the b&$%h shield down and self doubt creeps in “maybe I’m not the princess I think I am, maybe if I treat him really well he’ll see me more,” then you reward her good behavior by opening up a bit.
This is where jerks lose it. They never show a woman sincere warmth after she has earned it. Jerks are not only oblivious to how women truly work, they're too selfish to even try to understand them.
You can’t continue only seeing her once a week, keeping them guessing etc.. but you can keep the upper hand by being strong. They need to know that you’re not afraid to walk away from them at any time. There are behaviors that are utterly unacceptable (disrespect, cheating, etc..) that would require that you walk away. If you truly love someone then you need to be able to walk away from her. Never let her think that she's your entire world and that you'd never walk away.
TIP FOR WOMEN
Dating advice for women could go on for pages, but these eight major rules will cover almost every situation. Whether it’s your first date or your tenth, it’s all about being true to yourself, honest with him and kind to both of you.
Talk to Avoid
Don’t talk about your last boyfriend, fiancé or husband on the first few dates. Men immediately think one of two things if you talk about your ex during a date. Either you’re still hung up on him, or you’re bitter and angry about being dumped. A guy doesn’t like either of these options, and he’ll take a pass on someone with that kind of emotional baggage.
For a single woman, dating advice should probably be more complex than that, but really it all boils down to those two words: "Be yourself." Don’t pull out all the stops being a sex kitten siren if that’s not you. Forget playing the girl next door to catch his interest if you aren’t that type. You’ll only get yourself stuck in a role that will increasingly frustrate you, and eventually he’ll see through the charade and be offended by your dishonesty.
Don’t Trap Him
Even if you sense that he’s got great potential early on, don’t start talking about your future dreams of marriage and family right away. The most often overlooked dating advice for women is usually the most crucial – men take things slower. They don’t want to be considered as a potential life partner after date number two. They’ll feel trapped, and like all trapped animals, they will run or go on the defensive.
You’d be surprised how often men complain that women can’t take a compliment properly. If he tells you that you look wonderful, a simple, "Thank you," is the right response. Don’t cut yourself down or accuse him of, "Just saying that." You also shouldn’t go into details about how you borrowed the dress from a friend because it was so expensive you’d never dream of buying it yourself, blah, blah, blah. If he says you look lovely in the dress, acknowledge the compliment and move on. He really doesn’t want the details of how or why you look great – but he will appreciate being thanked for noticing that you do. Accepting a compliment means you are self-confident and comfortable with yourself.
Be on Time
This is great dating advice for women and men. Whether you’re meeting a man someplace or he’s picking you up, it’s not polite or thoughtful to leave him cooling his heels – and no, and it doesn’t build anticipation. It just makes you seem rude.
Express Your Opinions Honestly
Men quickly get bored with women who always agree with everything they say. Sure, it may be flattering to the ego for a bit, but that soon fades to boredom and/or irritation when they realize they can’t sustain an intelligent conversation with you. It’s also draining personally to keep up that kind of charade – what are you going to do a year from now? Stand firm on issues that are important to you, discuss events honestly but don’t get into an argument just to prove you’re right. Disagreeing on some things is what adds spice to a relationship – as long as the disagreements aren’t moral or life-changing.
Don’t be a Pest
It may sound like old-fashioned dating advice for women, but I believe it still holds true – men like to know they’re interesting, but they don’t want to be nagged into dating you. Can you call a man a few days after a date and thank him for a nice evening and chat? Sure! But don’t call the next day, then the next, then the next. Leave one message – if he’s interested, he’ll call you back. It may take a few days (he could be busy, he could be nervous). If he isn’t interested, increasingly desperate, repeated messages from you won’t help your cause.
You are on a date, not at a therapy session. Spilling your guts about how much your mother drives you crazy and why you want to kill your boss will not endear you to a man who had hopes of enjoying a relaxing evening with you. Should you hope that a relationship includes friendship? Yes! But don’t treat a man you’ve recently started dating like your old college roommate or priest. True confessions aren’t good for the soul or the relationship too early on, and lots of complaining gives the impression you may never be happy with your life.
Dating advice for women could go on for pages, but the eight major rules above will cover almost every situation. Whether it’s your first date or your tenth, it’s all about being true to yourself, honest with him and kind to both of you.